I’m part of
a very small minority: I’m a woman, a scientist, an adjunct professor, a mother
of two, and wife to a lovely husband who gave up his science career to support
his family. Some people may think I’m a role model, but I’m the opposite.
People like me usually don’t exist.
I love
science. As a PhD student and young postdoc (sans kids) all I did was work in the lab, think of science, discuss
science, and occasionally party my brain out. It’s an expensive brain,
considering all these years of studying, experimenting, reading, and
Google-ing. One shouldn’t use beer and red wine as excessively as many young
scientists do. But we usually feel extra brilliant when slightly (or severely)
intoxicated and then come up with crazy new projects that surely will result in
Earth shattering publications. Sadly, the following mornings I never remembered
what precisely these brilliant ideas had been.
These were
the intense days of brain masturbation, when nothing seemed too complicated,
too novel, or too risky. If we could think it up, we could at least try it.
My life
changed. I’m a mom and realised that each day will always be 24 hours short,
that sleep deprivation turns the fastest brain into a glutinous mass of slow
grey matter, that time spent with my children is much more important and
rewarding than publishing in Nature, and that parties with young and sexy PhD
students are really not my thing anymore. Yes, call me old (I’m 37).
But I also
learned with shocking clarity, that I am a sexist. When I look at successful
female scientists, part of me doubts their quality as mothers, not so with my
male colleagues. When I see a successful male scientist who always leaves work
at 5pm to be with his wife
and small kids, I think “wow, what a good dad”, but when a woman does the same,
I’m not impressed.
 |
| Writing an EU proposal while nursing Lina. |
Being a
woman, being able to get pregnant and give birth to a child is quite a sexist
thing, because men can’t have that and miss the most amazing experience a
sexually reproducing mammal can possibly come across. Which brings us to
breastfeeding: That, too, is quite sexist. Women have boobs, most men don’t.
Newborns expect to be breastfed and have no idea that mom has a career; they
simply want to latch on and not let go for the next 12 months (or so it
sometimes felt). I breastfed my kids for 2.5 years, that’s 5 years in total,
approximately 1.500 litres of milk, and pretty much exactly 1.825 nights of
little to no sleep, not including the nights they have been sick after they
were weaned.
If you
don’t have kids, your day is still 24 hours short, minus 6-8 hours of sleep and
the time needed to get dressed, eat, and vacuum the dust bunnies. A great
science career will demand most of the time that’s left. There is always a
report to write, an email to answer, a paper to review, a bunch of PhD students
to supervise
Most women
in the western industrialised world have their first child at the age of 30,
that’s precisely when our science career kicks off and we are giving it all to
get that darn professorship. There, first major conflict.
Biologically,
women are the first to be demanded when it comes to tiny offspring, and this is
fine. Traditionally, mothers are still #1 even if the kids are 30-something.
And this is what still shapes our thinking today (on average). We are the daughters
of mothers who had a full time job additional to the entire household work.
I have rarely seen a husband cleaning the dishes back then. Have you? That’s
what they called feminism 30 years ago.
Today it’s
different but some of the old thinking patterns remained - if you are a
successful scientist, surely you should also be a great mum. If you are a great
scientist and a great dad - holy cow! - you must be superman and your wife must
be some kind of… (pick whatever depreciative term you fancy).
We judge
the quality of a scientist by the number of his/her publications, how often
they have been cited, and how much project money she/he brings in. Depending on
the field of research, the stress to accomplish these things can range from
high-pitched heart attack like (biomedical research) to quite stimulating and
nice (environmental research), which doesn’t imply the latter would be dull and
the former more important.
I did, in a way,
discriminate myself (yes, that’s possible). I did not want to see a dip in my
wonderful science career but also I wanted to be the perfect mom for my kids. I
am not an over-accomplisher nor am I particularly brilliant. Writing a major EU
proposal and being the head of a research group while taking care of a newborn is insane and I cannot recommend it to
anyone. If you think this is role model behaviour, I must disappoint you. It is
the behaviour of someone who wants it all. But didn’t we learn from our parents
that we cannot have it all? Yet, we still try and it is a good thing to do this,
but it is also good to acknowledge that one person has a limited amount of
energy.
So is that
the reason for brilliant female scientists to drop out of science? Do women
represent far less than a quarter of the European senior faculty because they
can’t take the extra workload of job and family? Female scientists - better not
replicate? Nope. I think the problem is far more complex.
Wasn’t the
field of science an exclusively male domain for hundreds of years? Aren’t the
hierarchies and structures male inventions? I wonder how science would have
developed if women had always been allowed to enrol at Universities, practice
medicine, do research, and to be part of everything men were allowed to be part
of, and vice versa. If being a mother while having a science career would have
been normal for centuries, would it be OK to take a leave of absence of a year
or even five years? Would it be OK to be a professor and only work part time so mothers could spend more time with their kids? And here you see the sexist view again - would we allow
dads the same thing without making them feel like they are (A) losers because they are away from work so much and cannot accomplish as much as their child-less colleagues, or (B) superman because they spend time with their kids??
Science is
a competitive business and one has to be pushy (and kind of intelligent) to get to the top. Girls are raised to be “nice” (as in “not
pushy”) while pushy boys will grow into “real men”. This is so engrained in our
culture that we don’t really see it and that makes most of us sexists.
No, not the
“I club you on the head and pull you into my cave” kind of sexist, but the
quiet version, the undertone that we don’t see but practice every day.
I don’t
think that the low number of women in leading positions are solely a gender/sexism problem, or that quotas could help to solve
it; in fact they can only prettify a symptom.
We created
a society that values competitive people the most. We discriminate against the
gentle kind, the non-elbowing version of Homo
sapiens and with that lose countless brilliant minds and hands that could make
our society much more beautiful and kind.
Stop being
women friendly. Start being friendly instead. Stop promoting more women into
leading positions. Instead, promote more men and women who are not pushy, offer
more jobs to people who stayed at home for years to take care of their
children, sick partners or parents. And stop telling young scientists (male and female) that they
can have it all. It’s bullshit and you know it.
PS: Female
scientists still earn less than their male colleagues for doing the same job;
they also receive less third-party funding. I’d like someone to explain that
one to me.